Wednesday, July 2, 2014

self-inflicted

I lost 142 pounds.
I lost my mind.
I gained 25 pounds.

I will never find in food what I seek. But I keep looking for it there. Over and over again.

I’m not even sure what “it” is. Inner peace? Love? Nirvana?

Food is fuel. But it is so much more. It calms. It excites. It numbs. It kills. (So dramatic!)

After a year and a half of very regimented calorie counting, I started eating. AND EATING AND EATING AND EATING.

Do I eat because I hate myself or hate myself because I eat? Or is that what “it” is? That thing I keep looking for in food. Anger. Self-reproach. Further proof of my unworthiness. (Good grief. I’m too tired to drag my daddy issues out into the light today.)

If that is it, then eureka! Mission accomplished. Call in the dogs. Job well done.

In lighter news:

Eight-year-old lego lover.
 
No more braces.
 
Needs more lake time.

7 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Ah my love! It is so good to hear your voice!
You lost 142 pounds!
My god. No one in the world does that.
You did it.
Maybe now it's time to change up your diet situation. And I mean diet as in "that's what you eat."
Calorie counting is tried and true, yes, but we burn out.
Who am I to give advice? I'll shut up!
I am so proud of you.
Your kids look great and you are beautiful.

SJ said...

My friend writes this blog, and struggles so much with this. She's lucky enough to go on retreats a couple of times a year (totally not financially feasible for most -many- I know), but she brings back the lessons and writes them. Check it out, if you want to...http://www.curvyogi.com/

Glad to hear you're doing well!

liv said...

Oh, Steph
I've missed you! It is soooo good to see you writing again.

God, food! I have a love/hate relationship with it...it's hard. Either I starve myself or I shovel it in. Right now I'm in a starve stage...but it won't last long.

It's dawning on me that peace for me is the biggest factor. If I'm at peace, it all works. But if not...then not so much. And duh, finding peace is a life long search isn't it?

But however it's working for you, I am soooo glad you are writing again. I think I'll try it too. So much going one here and I need to reach out.

PS You all look wonderful!

NOLA said...

Darling, you look fabulous. Cut yourself some slack. Not too much slack, but enough to be sane.

You like being regimented - I am in such awe of what you accomplished (I lose such interest after 20 pounds lost). Do what feels right to you. But be careful with the up and down, of course.

So glad to hear from you!

Denise Emanuel Clemen said...

Well, hello! You look gorgeous.

Steph(anie) said...

Ms. Moon -
The food tracking part of my brain has been put on administrative leave. That doesn't keep me from mentally counting calories though. There is no going back to ignorance.

SJ -
Thank you for the suggestion. I have been checking it out. Your friend is very smart.

live -
What is this 'peace' you speak of? I am deep in whatever that is not.

NOLA -
What is this 'sane' you speak of? I am deep in whatever that is not.

DEM -
No, no. You do.

37paddington said...

Steph, you look great. Healthy and strong. Don't worry too much about that 24. Think about the 118 you've still kept off. You can always start again. And again.You inspire me. I've lost 50, gained back 5. Can't seem to move from there for the moment. And then I read you here and I'm inspired. We all have these see saws, those of us who struggle with weight, with food as comfort, as salve, but you're doing great, you really are. In every moment we can begin again. xo