I went out last night in spite of myself. I went as a show of support for Dan. He does audio tech for some local bands and there was a show at the bar that is literally right down the street from our house. So I went because I felt I should but ended up staying happily. I had never heard one of the bands that was playing and they played the shit out of that place. It was good to get away from my own personal marathon of The Walking Dead episodes and hear the kind of music that I want my kids growing up with. I was maybe a little tempted to offer Baby Mama services to the guitar player, but I refrained. Below is a clip of the band, but at another show at a different bar.
We did things differently this year. Usually we host Thanksgiving here, but Grandpa doesn't really get out much anymore, so we took Thanksgiving to my grandparent's house. It worked well, but I sort of feel like we didn't have Thanksgiving because my house didn't get put through the wringer like it does when we have a get together here. The cleaning and the furniture rearranging that goes into hosting in this house is good for it, and for me to I think.
But it was worth it for all of us to be together, so no complaints. Last year when my grandparents and my cousin didn't make it over because Grandpa wasn't feeling well (and ended up in the hospital) it really didn't feel right.
We've been doing a lot lately that I should have been writing about. Maya's 16th birthday for one - her party went well. We also finally went to A Day Out With Thomas (the train) which was a huge success.
Have you ever found something that you enjoyed thoroughly that depressed the shit out of you? In my case it was discovering a new musician. His second record captured something [for me] that I have been experiencing a little too much this year. That place in a relationship when you have to decide whether you want to stay with it.
So I guess it wasn't the music that was depressing me, was it? It was the realization that I was - I am - in a hard place. A place that looks like this:
I have never really believed that my husband loves me.
This is not a failure on his part. This is all about my own feelings of worthiness. I cannot embrace my own worthiness when it comes to love. And failing that, I sabotage my relationship by doubting it and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I see this about myself from the outside and struggle to change it. But in thinking about changing it, I am convinced that as soon as I really believe he loves me, it will finally come to light that he never did.
In the mean time, I am falling in love with (okay, more like crushing on) a character on a TV show. I do this when I want to avoid something. I turn my mind's eye to something else, escape. It's not really working for me though. It took a little while to realize that this man - this character - is a forty-something wounded little boy. You know what kind of women fall for damaged boys? The codependent kind. Codependent Me is boring as shit.
Ironically, this all coincides with a rebirth of confidence by way of taking better care of myself. I am embracing the belief that I do deserve to be healthy. I deserve the effort it takes to loose weight and feel better. SparkPeople is a miracle in my life. But not a miracle like a magic pill. More like the miracle of an Opportunity. SparkPeople is one of those things that you get out of what you put into. Like education and relationships... you have to do the work to get the rewards.
As so many classes did, my son's kindergarten/first grade combo class held a mock election yesterday. My son, sweetheart that he is, voted for Romney. When I asked him why he chose Romney, he told me that Romney has 2 dogs and 2 horses and 2 sons. I told him that might not be the best reason to vote for a president but he insisted that Romney won! His small class liked Romney. He did win the vote in that room.
Ah well, not so in the old Electoral College. I managed to restrain myself from giving my six-year-old a neener neener neener when he got up this morning. I'm big like that.