Thursday, November 22, 2012

Growing up hurts sometimes

Have you ever found something that you enjoyed thoroughly that depressed the shit out of you?  In my case it was discovering a new musician.  His second record captured something [for me] that I have been experiencing a little too much this year.  That place in a relationship when you have to decide whether you want to stay with it. 

So I guess it wasn't the music that was depressing me, was it?  It was the realization that I was - I am - in a hard place.  A place that looks like this:

I have never really believed that my husband loves me. 

This is not a failure on his part.  This is all about my own feelings of worthiness.  I cannot embrace my own worthiness when it comes to love.  And failing that, I sabotage my relationship by doubting it and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I see this about myself from the outside and struggle to change it.  But in thinking about changing it, I am convinced that as soon as I really believe he loves me, it will finally come to light that he never did. 

In the mean time, I am falling in love with (okay, more like crushing on) a character on a TV show.  I do this when I want to avoid something. I turn my mind's eye to something else, escape.  It's not really working for me though.  It took a little while to realize that this man - this character - is a forty-something wounded little boy.  You know what kind of women fall for damaged boys?  The codependent kind.  Codependent Me is boring as shit. 

Ironically, this all coincides with a rebirth of confidence by way of taking better care of myself.  I am embracing the belief that I do deserve to be healthy.  I deserve the effort it takes to loose weight and feel better.  SparkPeople is a miracle in my life.  But not a miracle like a magic pill.  More like the miracle of an Opportunity.  SparkPeople is one of those things that you get out of what you put into.  Like education and relationships... you have to do the work to get the rewards. 


Ms. Moon said...

I think you are taking care of yourself and I think you are making realizations and I think you are moving forward in a good and healthy way and even if progress seems slow to the point of not being there, it is.
I am cheering for you, right here. I am saying, You are worth it!

Steph(anie) said...

Ms. Moon, I think you are right. In fact, I think I realized something further reflecting on what I wrote here. I was wrong about part of it. But it is still about my worthiness. Still processing.

liv said...

I get that, mine is the Brodie Jackson character played by Jason Issac on Masterpiece Theater...soooo wounded and soooo sexy, lol.

I wish there was some kind of machine that we could get into and see ourselves the way the rest of the world sees us. Well, the rest of the world that likes us. Just to have that shot of worthiness that others "get" about us and to really get it ourselves for just a moment would go such a long way.

All of these brave and worthy things that you've been doing lately to know and see yourself better are so impressive and I envy your strength in engaging yourself. Progress is hard to see sometimes...and then all of a sudden it hits you, that you've changed, something has shifted.

Sounds like your moment is coming up fast on your heals - lovely you.

Steph(anie) said...

Liv - I'm glad you specified it would be people that like us -- the others I'd rather not :)

Petit fleur said...

Not sure how I missed this.

I'm sorry you are in the hard place. That is a sucky place.

You ARE making great changes and good for you for stepping out to support Dan and having a good time! I think we get sold a bill of goods the when we meet "the ONE" if there is such a thing, that the sea will part and it will be bliss. Nobody really goes into all the work it takes to keep a relationship not only alive, but healthy and moving in the right direction, together.

Maybe you are just feeling the discomfort of stretching your comfort zone and trying new things for yourself and your marriage..?
Hang in. I love ya darlin.