Tuesday, July 3, 2012

my drug of choice

I have been exercising regularly and eating better for the last few weeks now.  And let me qualify "eating better"... not super strict, just more mindful toward health and hopefully less wretched.  But last night and today, my food anxiety is creeping back up on me. 

I think constantly about what I can eat, when I can eat it and what I ate earlier that maybe wasn't the best.  It's annoying the shit out of me and making me uncomfortable, like I don't have control over myself. 

I'm back in therapy and food is one of the things we talk about.  I had been doing better, not using food to comfort myself (as often... hardly at all, really).  But this uneasy feeling is edging into my peripheral vision and food is my go-to way to self-medicate. 

I'm sure I'm still riding out the emotional ups and downs of the last few weeks and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but damn it, I'm so good at being hard on myself.  Don't make me give that up too.


And then I watch something like this and wonder why the fuck I can't just have a normal, relaxed relationship with food... food is good.

Ignacio's Mostly Latin Lunch, A Selby Film. Presented by T, The New York Times Style Magazine from the selby on Vimeo.


Kristen Grimes said...

I struggle daily with the same thing...my relationship with food. Not that long ago I had a really bad day and where did I stop on my way home for something to soothe it? See's Chocolate...because THAT is my crack. But it did make me feel better because I just bought a small box and made it last into the next morning at the very least! ;-)

I wish I had some magic spell that would make it better, but I don't...if I did I'd already be a skinny ass bitch! LOL

What I can say is that you aren't going to be perfect all the time, all you can do is try your best. If you eat pretty good 90% of the time, you won't derail the other 10% you don't. And one thing I have noticed is that before when I would derail that would be it...no more diet for months or years. Now if I go off path, I get right back on. So I don't strive for perfection - I just strive for never giving up. :-)

You're doing really great, by the way!!!

Ms. Moon said...

This is a hard one and a life-long process for some of us. I understand. As with almost everything, beating ourselves up and feeling guilt doesn't help one bit, does it?

EcoCatLady said...

Well, as a person who "kicked an eating disorder" twenty-some-odd years ago, I can honestly say that I still struggle with it - sometimes it's a minute by minute battle.

I find that it helps to remember that it's not about being "good" or "bad" it's about making choices that will make my body happier in the long run.

Sometimes when I feel really caught in the grip of it all, it helps me to spoil myself in some totally un-food-related way. Take a long hot bath, watch a movie, or even have a glass of wine. I'm not suggesting replacing one addiction with another, it just helps to remind myself that food is not the only thing that brings me joy.

The other thing that helps is to not let myself weasel out of my feelings. I'm a master weaseler, and there's nothing like "being bad" with food to get me away from something I don't want to feel. But if I can stop running away long enough to express some of the genuine emotions, the food tends to lose it's power over me.

I constantly have to remind myself of the big revelation that started me on the path to healing - the realization that the gnawing feeling in my stomach wasn't hunger.

Hang in there - I'm pullin' for you!

NOLA said...

Ditto, sistah.