Mama: [reading] This is where the Dark Knight keeps the tools he needs to battle his foes.
Austin: [interrupting] Who's the Dark Knight?
Mama: That's Batman's nickname.
Austin: I want a nickname.
Mama: Okay, what do you want your nickname to be?
I keep getting this hint of a feeling that I associate with the years my mom and I lived with my grandparents when I was young (ages three years to almost seven).
Is it the music that's playing? Is it the angle or the color of the light? Is it the temperature of the air?
Wait. I think... it might be... happiness.
It's not that I haven't had any happiness since that time in my life. Maybe it has been a little while. I have had times that I have enjoyed, but this is that other feeling that comes from the inside, not the outside.
Grandpa: Is this your fifth or sixth year at that job?
Stephanie: [silent computation] Twelfth
Stephanie: No, TWELFTH.
Grandpa: When can you retire?
Stephanie: When I'm 55.
Grandpa: What is that, about 5 more years?
Stephanie: No, I'll be 35 this year, so 20 more years.
Grandpa: Oh, I thought you were older than that.
We went to the circus. The big old-fashioned one with all the animals. Well, the old-fashioned one that now also includes motorcycle acts.
There's something very Old World European about the circus, isn't there? The PETA people were out in force to give us a good helping of New World guilt though. I shouldn't be snarky about it. I don't want animals to be abused. But their big piece of proof was a picture of a juvenile elephant with a padded shackle around his ankle. It said something like: this hurts me. If that's the worst they do to these animals, I don't feel too bad about giving them my money. And if it weren't for the circus and the zoo, how many kids in the States would ever see these animals in person? Unless I win the lottery, my kids don't have much chance of going on an African safari any time soon.
It's a good show, that old circus. Too many acts to list. The acrobats, one act in particular, really knocked me out. They were sitting inside clear plastic spheres that were split in half and they would open them clamshell style and dangle out of them, high above the ground, just about scaring the crap out of me every time.
Anyway, acrobats aside, how do you feel about circuses using animal acts? Do you prefer the people-only circuses like Cirque du Soleil?
Who had money on 2 weeks until I undeleted my blog? Whoever you are, congratulations. And PayPal my cut to me, wouldya?
I couldn't stay away. If that makes me a hypocrite, then so be it. That will make sense to two of you out there.
I've had so many thoughts that I wanted to blog and then I would remember that I pulled the plug and... awwww... saddsies. Fuck it.
Still trying to lose weight and, at the moment, failing miserably. I was down 16 pounds. Then I gained five back. Then lost 6. Then gained 'em back. I've lost count of how many times I've bounced between XX0 and XX5. Either I'm doing it wrong or my scale is psychotic.
Still walking just about every day. Some days twice, by myself in the morning and with Dan and Austin and sometimes Maya in the evening. AND trying to do some quick calisthenics at the office every hour or so because I keep reading that EVEN if you exercise regularly, sitting all day (in my case at a desk in front of a computer) still increases your risk of heart attach and stroke. Fuck me.
Still in therapy (again) working on improving my belief in my own worthiness and other issues. Like food. FOOOOOOODDD. And shame. Shame about food. Shame about sneaking food and eating in secret. Something I have done since I was three goddamned years old.
Anyway. How are you?
PS. I also started taking saffron extract (this brand but at a better price) which supposedly suppresses appetite, raises libido, improves mood, and cures cancer while it's at it. I think I like it. Has anyone out there tried it?
I have been exercising regularly and eating better for the last few weeks now. And let me qualify "eating better"... not super strict, just more mindful toward health and hopefully less wretched. But last night and today, my food anxiety is creeping back up on me.
I think constantly about what I can eat, when I can eat it and what I ate earlier that maybe wasn't the best. It's annoying the shit out of me and making me uncomfortable, like I don't have control over myself.
I'm back in therapy and food is one of the things we talk about. I had been doing better, not using food to comfort myself (as often... hardly at all, really). But this uneasy feeling is edging into my peripheral vision and food is my go-to way to self-medicate.
I'm sure I'm still riding out the emotional ups and downs of the last few weeks and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but damn it, I'm so good at being hard on myself. Don't make me give that up too.
And then I watch something like this and wonder why the fuck I can't just have a normal, relaxed relationship with food... food is good.
To say we were overdue for a getaway weekend would be a massive understatement. Two nights with no kids in Avalon on Santa Catalina Island off the coast of California. I am happy to be home now but sad not to know when we will go back. It is a beautiful, simple, magical, fun and peaceful place to be.