Tuesday, June 5, 2012

trial separation

Just getting through the day is exhausting. But then trying to go to sleep is a new fresh hell every night. He is moving out on Saturday. I swing from feeling like an independent adult who will be just fine, thankyouverymuch, and feeling like a little girl whose daddy never loved her. I wish I was dead. I wish he was dead. I wish we had never met. I wish I had never been born.

I wake before my alarm goes off and go out for a walk before my brain has a chance to make excuses not to, dawn just barely breaking. The air too cool to be comfortable. The neighborhood dogs too sleepy to bother barking at me. Alone.

Maybe I picked the wrong time to wean off of my Prozac. I felt numb. There was too much distance between us. But not enough for him.

7 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Oh baby. This is not going to be an easy time. As if you didn't know that!
But. You will come through and you will survive and you will be JUST FINE and keep walking. Hold on to that.
Hold on to YOU!
We are here.

liv said...

A powerful post.

Just keep looking at those beautiful kids...that will help with the "why I met him" part.

You have a good head, you have a great head! Don't let anybody diminish that. You can figure this out.

SJ said...

Be strong. This may be meant to be.

Denise Emanuel Clemen said...

I'm almost five years out. I know it gets better. But I remember how it feels.
One day at a time. Or one hour. Or one minute. Just keep going.

NOLA said...

Please be gentle with yourself and take good care of yourself.

Hugs.

janzi said...

Oh how hard it all is, but it will ease and the pain recede and time will fill in the gaps of loneliness- its a horrible thing to go through, but we are all rooting for you out here in blogland, just so you can be strong enough to cope... you are a lovely person and believe in yourself more, your kids love you without judgement, trust them and take care of yourself too... love from across the pond Janzi

Kristen Grimes said...

I heart you, Steph! Hang in there tough Mama!