Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Dear Dad

A letter to my father…

I can’t help but think of you as your birthday approaches, less than a week away now. How old will you be, anyway? I only wish that I knew where you lived so I could thank you in person for the things you’ve given me. Perhaps a nice gunshot right to your head would be appropriate.

I can’t tell you the difference you’ve made in my life. It was clear to me from a very young age that I was not worth your love. Or your time. Or attention. And that has really shaped the person I am today. Speaking of shape, I weigh nearly 300 pounds. You should be proud.

It’s no great surprise then that my marriage is on the verge of collapse. I’m not attractive. Even if I were, why would any man love me?

So thanks again. I want you to know that I hate you and I wish you would die. Go fuck yourself.

Your daughter,


liv said...

oh, Steph. That pain is so piercingly evident. I wish no one ever had to suffer in this way.

I see so many things about you that are so obviously loveable and attractive, that's why I keep coming back here. And brave is among your many attributes. Stay strong, girl. You are very dear to all of us who read you.

Kristen Grimes said...

You are so much more than what you would believe yourself to be based on your father's lack of involvement. He is the one that is missing out, Stephanie!! He doesn't deserve to know who you are because you are too damn good for him. Know this!!!!!

And you know I have a similar story...not the same, but similar and I understand. You know the question I always wonder is if when my Dad says how many kids he has if he says 5 (me and my two siblings included) or if he says 2 (my two half-sisters that apparently WERE good enough to receive his love and attention). Something I'll probably never know...but what I do know is that he has truly missed out and that having a good Mom can make up for SO MUCH!!! Your Mom has done wonders, Stephanie! You deserve better than a loser father...

Just know that I loves ya bunches, girlie!!

Ms. Moon said...

Oh come on Stephanie. Don't sugar-coat it. Tell us how you really feel!
No. I love your honest and true anger here. Fathers can make or break you. I know this to be true.
I also know that inside of you is a spirit which has not been broken. I hope for you that you can find it. I am so sorry that you have to suffer like this. It is the least fair thing in the world.

Ms. Moon said...

Hey- write me if you want to.
mmerluna at aol dot com
I can't really help much but I can listen.

Denise Emanuel Clemen said...

Brutal honesty is probably best at this point.
This man has hurt you probably more than he realizes. Your telling it here on your blog is a good thing, I believe.
You have survived. I admire your strength, courage, sense of humor, honesty, intelligence, and wit. Your father has missed out on a lot.
I hope you treat yourself to something wonderful on his birthday. Or that you forget to think of him at all.

Steph(anie) said...

Thank you everyone for the support. I know intellectually that I deserve better than what I got from my dad, but I never learned it, you know what I mean. And there's some yucky marriage stuff going on at home. Maybe I'd rather blame my dad than see what I've done wrong in my relationship.

Petit fleur said...

Love you.

Write if you want to. I'm here.... Hopefully, soon to be...THERE! :-)

Anonymous Jo said...

Hi Stephanie -- I have seen you at Ms. Moons. I just want to say I am really sorry about your dad.