Sunday, March 11, 2012

recognizing needs

I went crazy this weekend. Friday night I was crying and saying things I knew in my head were wrong, but that play in my head like a broken record. Those things boil down to this: I am not worthy of love and no one worth a damn would love me. Saturday I yelled at Dan and started a fight. I was still feeling insecure.

For anyone late to the party here, this is all do to my father's complete lack of effort to be a part of my life while I was growing up. I was not worth his time. I have done therapy, but have been out of therapy for a couple months again now and the need for release of the crazy thoughts got built up. Obviously I need to go back to therapy, but scheduling it right now has become difficult. I will leave it at that.

I have decided though that I - we - need a vacation. Nothing big or fancy. Maybe we'll use spring break to go up to Sequoia, something I've wanted to do for a long time.

9 comments:

liv said...

Good call Steph. I know from that "worthy" thing and sometimes just a change of scenery can help.

Hope it works for you, as from here....you're lovely and it would be great if you could "get" that from those you love.

NOLA said...

Oh, sweetie. Feel you. So glad you know the triggers, what it is, and how to ease it off.

You rock. But that doesn't make the day-to-day any easier, I know.

Ms. Moon said...

I can so relate. Oh yes I can. I think your idea to get away is perfect. Do it.

EcoCatLady said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I totally understand though. My daddy left when I was 5 years old, and in some ways I've never gotten over it. It's taken me many years to get beyond my "preemptive strike" method of dealing with insecurities, and to learn how to trust in a relationship.

Hang in there...

Denise Emanuel Clemen said...

Oh dear. We are all marked by our pasts, and therapy is good... if you find the right therapist.
I hope you go to Sequoia! Trees+you=happy.
xo Feel better soon.

Petit fleur said...

This sounds like a hard one. If you want, I can send some CBT info and you can practice reprogramming your own thoughts! I know it sounds kooky, but it works for many people.

Hang in there and do get away!.. and remember you ARE loved. I love you and I suspect most of your followers do... and of course your family and real friends... which I will be soon enough! Can't wait to meet you and your fam.
xo

Kristen said...

To say that I understand would be an understatement! I swear, I thought you were talking about MY weekend for a moment.

I think you've got the right idea though - time to recharge!!!!

And as someone that knows you I can say with much confidence that you most definitely DO deserve love no matter what...no matter how many ugly things you say or how much you try to push someone away because you don't feel you deserve them. You are a beautiful soul...

Hang in there, girl!!

Angella Lister said...

Lord, I know this crazy thought loop. It's a lie, but it acts like it can convince you it's the truth. Glad you know better! Yes, take your family and go somewhere. You are precious and cherished.

Demandra said...

Oh girl. Oy. I know this one well.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but cognitive therapy saved my life. "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Super easy stuff, totally helps when the crazy hits.

Warm fuzzies to you. Hope you're feeling more grounded.