I didn't notice it happening, but I got all turned in on myself again. Quiet. Closed off. I missed a therapy appointment. I've been missing Lori again.
The last time she wrote to me she questioned again why I was writing to her. She said she couldn't imagine that she had been that big a part of my life. I was tempted to print out one of the emails she wrote to me years ago about what a good friend I was to her and mail it to her. But what's the point? Maybe it is time to let go. Navigating a friendship, if that's what it still is, through this just feels too hard sometimes. It's just that I've never stopped feeling beholden to her. Not in a keeping score kind of way. But you know, there are people who are in your life and you love them...
I hate October anymore. Dan volunteers all month at a local haunted house and I don't see him at all. Halloween is his holiday and he doesn't even spend it with the kids anymore. Last year his mom went with me to take them trick-or-treating. Two days later she went into the hospital and a week after that she died during surgery. I suppose that's part of my sadness too. Remembering this time last year and what was to come.
Fuck, I have to end this on a better note than that.
I never spend money on myself. I buy things for my house, but not my person. I rarely buy clothes. The only shoes I wear are Crocs. I cut my own hair and I've only had one manicure in my life, for my wedding. The work pants I have now are the same pants my mom bought for me when I went back to work after Austin was born. He's five now. All this to illustrate what it took for me to order myself a bunch of clothes today. I know I'd be better off going in and trying things on, but I keep putting it off and avoiding it. So if I can look online without feeling self-conscious and they have free returns if anything doesn't work, then why not?
In short: YAY, new clothes!!!