Tuesday, May 31, 2011

putting his foot down

Last night, Austin asked me if I would be taking the disc out of Daddy's neck. I told him that no, a doctor would do it. A very good doctor.

He then told me that he wanted to go to the doctor with Daddy. I said that I was going with Daddy and it would be better if he stayed with Grandma and Grandpa. No, he argued. He wanted to go with Daddy to the doctor.

I told him that it's very boring at the doctor. He'd have more fun with Grandma. Again, he insisted. Okay, I said. You can come meet the doctor.

Maybe we'll take him to the pre-op. Or maybe just wait until after the surgery to visit.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Etsy, you make my day

Am I the only one who sees this little teapot as being sort of wonderfully nasty? That spout! I love it. Or is it just wrong?

word to the wise

Iffin' you have a wisteria that folks in the vine biz would call vigorous, it would be wise to not park your (or your daughter's) bike next to it for two days.

But not to worry, the spokes have since been freed from the overzealous tendrils.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I don't know why I'm even posting this

This may well be the stupidest question I've ever asked, but...

Why is it so easy to not spend money when I don't have it?

What I mean by that is, why am I so compelled to spend more than I should when I have it? We manage to survive the end of the month every month without spending dozens of dollars a day. Why can't I do that at the beginning of the month? Granted, some of that spending is what gets us through the end of the month. There's food in the freezer and laundry soap on the shelf. But some of the ways I (we) spend money are just not smart. Especially fast food. I get so disgusted with myself over that issue. But that can't be the only problem.

The cost of gas is becoming an issue these days, especially with the beast. But even that doesn't get driven very far. We have a small life, with my job less than 4 miles away from home, the gym right down the street (not that I've gone lately), shopping near by, kids' schools just down the road and around the corner. The only thing we drive far for at all is Dan's doctor appointments, and he has many. Oh wait, maybe that explains it. Co-pays and gas. Never mind.

But the fast food thing. That really has to stop.

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's not exactly Good Will Hunting

How to never lose at Tic Tac Toe by Anonymous...

It's finals week and you can just feel the tension in the air :)

Josh Turner - Your Man

I had forgotten about this song until I saw a clip of Scotty's daddy singing it on American Idol (caught the clip online, haven't watched the show). I don't post much country music here, but it was a big part of my growing up. All that to say - damn I love this dude's voice. But the video is sort of goofy.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

only freaking out a little

This is something that got temporarily lost last week when Blogger had its little breakdown...

It doesn't ever slow down, does it? Life, I mean.

Dan will be going in for a discectomy and laminectomy sometime this spring/summer. It would not be an overstatement to say that this is major surgery. He will be having two cervical discs removed, then they put in some sort of plastic cage and a metal plate. They make an incision on the front of the neck and pull aside the windpipe and arteries and that's about where I check out, thanks.

In a lighter moment with the doctor... we were told that before surgery they will insert a "pee-pee catheter."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

It's been a long couple of weeks. The next two aren't looking much better.

Avoiding emotional eating is making me (big surprise) more emotional. I'm beginning to question the wisdom of cutting off my primary coping tactic of the last 33 years without learning some new, more constructive ones first. The book I'm reading recommends meditation, but I'm not very good at it yet. Probably because I'm not trying very hard.

In general, I handle things better when I go to yoga regularly, but my schedule has made that impossible lately and that's not helping my mood AT ALL. Just ask Dan. I already did and he agreed in no uncertain terms.

Just last night I was thinking that as methods of killing oneself go, eating is a pretty good one. I can use food to alter my mood for the better, relax. And if meanwhile I am only passive agressively hurting myself, well then, even better.

Anger is still the emotion I have to work hardest at not eating to soothe.

As for the title of this post: I am very VERY broke this month.

Fuck.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

May flowers

This green glass vase was my mother's day present to myself.
$5 at my new favorite place, HomeGoods.

Teh Pinkness.

Tulips and red glass for my mom.

Lavender with spider(?) eggs.

Friday, May 13, 2011

purple

What used to be rainbow:

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

how do we fill the empty spaces

I've been reading Women Food and God, and while I'm not finished yet, I think I can recommend it now to those of you who have food issues such as compulsive eating or perpetual dieting.

The God in the title is not necessarily God that sits up in the clouds and watches over us, but more like a shorthand for that essence of the divine, however you may find it. Whether in nature or your babies or your work or, yes, even your religion.

When I am in a place of stress (the last week or so at work has been tough) I have a tendency to wake up at around 2:30 in the morning with two choices: eat something or have a minor panic attack. More often that not, I go for a bowl of cereal. But I was so disgusted with myself a couple nights ago that I refused to eat. I just sat in the dark in the living room trying not to go crazy. Then I remembered that I had bought this book a couple months back, but had been avoiding reading it. It was time to start. I read for about an hour before my eyes told me it was time to go back to bed, and while my compulsive eating hasn't been immediately cured, I feel like I might be on the right road.

I also feel like this won't be easy. I will get off track and have to be gentle with myself and bring myself back. Over and over again. And again. And again.

.::.

I dreamed about Jeff last night, a man who I used to work with until he took his own life some months after having gastric surgery to lose weight. I wrote about him here. I can't remember much about the dream, only the sadness that came after I woke up and remembered he was gone.

.::.

I suppose I should say more about the book... the author talks about listening to your body. She provides some general practices for exploring why we eat when we aren't [physically] hungry and what we might be spiritually hungry for. She talks about accepting yourself, not in the sense of settling for or altering your expectations, but embracing, and loving. Which, frankly, is really fucking hard to do for some of us.

She hasn't use the word abuse yet, but I think that's what I'm taking from it. That by eating the way I do, I am abusing myself, several times a day. The trick is to learn that I deserve better from myself.

That's not her message though -- she talks about dieting as self-torture more than eating, and that eating compulsively is a means of escaping... whatever it is we think we need to escape. And that we really are strong enough to face head-on the feelings we are escaping.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Tighter

Another by my fixation of the week.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Monday, May 2, 2011

Why is it that...

  • the more weeds you pull, the more you see that still need to be pulled?

  • a few of the groceries I bought this weekend have an expiration date that just happens to be my father's birthday, and seeing that date unexpectedly is enough to put me squarely in the dumps?

  • iced tea is my favorite drink ever, but if my tea starts out hot and gets cold in a mug, it's just yucky?

  • I have no wisdom to share on the subject of bin Laden, only an uneasy feeling about my countrymen's celebration?