Monday, October 17, 2011

I hope this is it

I feel the need to continue (and hopefully wrap up) this series of posts that started here and here.

My dad wrote back. I won't post his whole message here, that would be crossing a line (I think). His mother died a few years ago. His wife (#4 I think) left him. She was the first to do such a thing. His sister died of cancer (she and I had the same birthday by the way). His younger kids (from marriage #4) are grown and living life, with the good and the bad.

He said he has regrets and feelings of guilt about not being the father he should have been* [to me from marriage #2 and my older brother from marriage #1].

I wrote back and told him that you can't change the past. I told him that he will have to deal with his guilt on his own, in his own way. I told him I wished him the best in letting go of it and I meant that. I said the best thing he can do for me now is not call me. I said I was sorry about losing his sister too soon and I'm sorry that his son, my younger brother who I haven't seen in at least 20 years, has serious health issues. I told him I wished him the best and what I tried to get across, but didn't say in so many words was: have a nice life, there's no place for you in mine.

I try to look at myself objectively and wonder if this makes me a cold, harsh person, to brush him off this way. But what I've come to is that it is what it is. It hurts too much to talk to him. All those hurt-little-girl feelings bubble right up and come spilling out of my eyes and my shaking voice. I don't need this. I've worked too hard at letting go of my anger and trying to be gentle with myself and trying to learn that some men *can* be trusted. They don't all let you down. I've been working on all this for so long and the only way I know how to move forward is to turn my back on him. It just hurts too much.

*By the way, this part about guilt and regrets is very nearly the same conversation we had the last time he contacted me around 11 years ago. I shut him down then too (after a few exchanges). My heart is closed to him.

4 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Steph,
Your own family and taking care of you should come first. Your thoughts about the situation seem very honest and wise to me, for what it's worth.

You know I love you.

SB

Ms. Moon said...

Ms. Bastard-Beloved is exactly right. His guilt is his problem and you are so smart to recognize that. Ain't your monkey, you don't have to feed it.
Loving you too....Mary

Denise Emanuel Clemen said...

Your response makes a whole lot of sense to me. I admire your strength. Go forward.

Petit fleur said...

Awe Steph.

This sounds excruciatingly hard. I'm with Denise, your responses make a whole lot of sense. I also admire your strength and encourage you to go forward.

Wise words.

Sending love,
pf