Friday, September 30, 2011

blah blah blahg

I didn't notice it happening, but I got all turned in on myself again. Quiet. Closed off. I missed a therapy appointment. I've been missing Lori again.

The last time she wrote to me she questioned again why I was writing to her. She said she couldn't imagine that she had been that big a part of my life. I was tempted to print out one of the emails she wrote to me years ago about what a good friend I was to her and mail it to her. But what's the point? Maybe it is time to let go. Navigating a friendship, if that's what it still is, through this just feels too hard sometimes. It's just that I've never stopped feeling beholden to her. Not in a keeping score kind of way. But you know, there are people who are in your life and you love them...

I hate October anymore. Dan volunteers all month at a local haunted house and I don't see him at all. Halloween is his holiday and he doesn't even spend it with the kids anymore. Last year his mom went with me to take them trick-or-treating. Two days later she went into the hospital and a week after that she died during surgery. I suppose that's part of my sadness too. Remembering this time last year and what was to come.

Fuck, I have to end this on a better note than that.

I never spend money on myself. I buy things for my house, but not my person. I rarely buy clothes. The only shoes I wear are Crocs. I cut my own hair and I've only had one manicure in my life, for my wedding. The work pants I have now are the same pants my mom bought for me when I went back to work after Austin was born. He's five now. All this to illustrate what it took for me to order myself a bunch of clothes today. I know I'd be better off going in and trying things on, but I keep putting it off and avoiding it. So if I can look online without feeling self-conscious and they have free returns if anything doesn't work, then why not?

In short: YAY, new clothes!!!


Ms. Moon said...

Move over. I'm on the same pew you are.
I'm proud of you for ordering clothes, though. I really am.

Petit fleur said...

Awe Steph, it is so hard what you are feeling and trying to navigate. I won't say I understand, because I have never been where you are. Not in the same way.

I have had to let go of people though, and it is hard. Maybe a private ceremony will help. Some kind of tangible process which you can both see and feel at the same time. Say what you need to, feel it all deeply and try to transfer those feelings to some other place in your mind and heart... I don't know.

I find it especially hard when the weather is a trigger, because it comes whether we are ready or not. My dad died on Thanksgiving morning and its always been a strange time for me. Oddly, Harley was born right around that same time in 2005. In fact they served me turkey in the hospital! That sort of shifted something for me, but not totally. Life is just messy and strange and we just have to honor that in the best way we can.

You are doing a fine job if honoring it in your way, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Denise Emanuel Clemen said...

The coming of darkness--those short days. It gets me every year. Just the loss of sunlight alone is enough to turn inward, but you have lots of other stuff throwing a shroud over your head.
I was never much for therapy--I never really liked the handful of therapists I'd seen until this last one. I'd say if you like your therapist and if all that's working for you, GO! It's going to be getting dark earlier and earlier. As for the clothes...yay! Consider some sunshiny colors. Orange. Red. Yellow. Sky blue. It helps some, I think.

Bethany said...

I don't like this time of year either. It's okay to feel sad.
But yeah, Yay new clothes. Bet you'll look smashing.

Bethany said...

PS please go to back to therapy, it helps.

Kristen said...

I can definitely say I understand how hard it is to let go of a friendship that meant so much...been there, done that. And it is HARD. And I can't help but think that Lori saying that is Lori pushing you away because Lori doesn't feel like she deserves you. Ya know? At any rate, that doesn't make it any easier. Just know that you deserve friends that will and CAN reciprocate.

Hang in there this month...perhaps something amazing will happen that will take away the sadness of October...(hey, I'm a constant optimist...I just can't seem to help it. LOL) :-)

I'll be working out of the other campus during A-Week...perhaps we can go to lunch on your turf for a change! :-)