Thursday, August 18, 2011

the next phase of the journey

Almost exactly a year after quitting regular therapy, I'm back in it. I had been back to see my therapist once since then, but it was a one-off.

A little over a week ago, my husband hurt my feelings. (No, I did not and will not blog about what he did.) And then I went from hurt to furious in 1.2 seconds. I somehow managed to keep my head on straight and not say the hurtful things I wanted to verbally fling at him. I called my therapist instead and made an appointment for later in the week, and then Dan and I talked calmly and got through it. And after that I still fantasized about killing him that night.

But since that night, and the therapy appointment I had two days later, I am gradually becoming more aware of how much time I spend being angry. Angry at my dad. Angry at myself. Angry at my husband, my kids. Angry at the whole MOFO world. Sometimes even angry at the Buddha.

I don't have an action plan for my anger issues at this time, other than to observe it and be honest about it when I feel angry. Not blame my attitude on being tired, or saying that it's anxiety, but owning up to it when I am just pissed off.

Further exploration of this aspect of myself may include the connection between my weight, food and anger, feelings of self-worth and the lack thereof, and that theory/saying that depression is anger turned inward.

Should be fun!


Angella Lister said...

as i was reading this, i was going to say that depression is anger turned inward thing, and then you said it.

i've been told that anger is fear at its core. fear that we won't have what we need. etc etc.

so proud of you for calling your therapist. i did the same thing at the start of the summer when i was enraged at my husband for something i later understood not to be about him at all.

glad to be here.

Ms. Moon said...

Yeah, honey. Sounds like a relaxing trip to a fine spa. Uh-huh. Good luck and good on you!

All This Trouble... said...

I have HUGE issues dealing with the anger of others. Especially loved ones. HUGE. CRUSHING. ISSUES. Too bad we live so far from one another. We could go in together and get some sort of twofer therapy deal.

I wish you progress. I like you very much. I don't want you to be uncomfortably angry.

Steph(anie) said...

Angela, I'm glad to have you :) I believe what you said about fear. Something to think about there...

Ms. Moon, isn't sarcasm fun?

ATT, I could practice yelling at you and articulating I AM ANGRY and you would have to stand up to me and then we would hug... or we could just go get a drink.

Steph(anie) said...

I spelled Angella wrong. I hate messing up people's names!

Angella Lister said...

It's fine hon. The truth is in my life I have spelled it both ways for different periods. I am now back to two l's in honor of my madre. But it's so fine I didn't even notice till you said it. :)

Petit fleur said...

Yep. It's all too familiar for me also. I had HUGE anger issues with my dad also. He died when I was in my early twenties. I realized just now at 48 that I spent most of my 20s and 30s grieving and being pissed at him... and trying to make sense of it in my subconscious in some way.

I still have anger issues, but not nearly as bad. Marc and I do couples counseling as much as we can afford. He has also agreed to anger management counseling because his anger is much more out of control than mine even! I've never been particularly good at regulating my emotions, but he is about as good as a 2 year old with his!

You're gonna be ok. Keep doing what you're doing. My hats off to you for not slinging the verbal abuse (or a blunt object) as much as you may have wanted to! And for picking up the phone instead. It sounds like a small thing, but you know, it really is quite significant. Good job.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Aunt said that she read someplace than anger is almost always a cover emotion for something else. The older I get, and the more I look at it, the more I think she's right.

I wish you well on the next phase of your journey. You know I love you.


michelle said...

Luv you Steph


Mwa said...

Therapy is so gut wrenching but SOOO good when it's good. Good luck! x