Thursday, December 2, 2010

seeking peace

It finally hit me tonight. Why all the Christmas music has been bothering me so much. It was Silent Night that made me realize.

Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace...

All these freaking songs about the baby Jesus are making me think about Garrison.

He was that pure promise of hope and love that all babies are, or should be. His mama held him the same way Mary held Jesus. But then I don't know what happened.

...

Tonight, as Austin was falling asleep, as I read his favorite book to him, a fly was buzzing around his head. He fell asleep just as I finished the book and I went to get a fly swatter. I didn't like the idea of that fly in and around his face all night. I stood over Austin with the fly swatter, waiting for the fly to light so I could smack it (somewhere other than on Austin of course) and it occurred to me that if we woke up and saw me standing over him with a fly swatter, he might be startled. And do you what that made me think of? I wondered whether Garrison was asleep when Lori [allegedly] attacked him. I had never wondered that before. It had never occurred to me that he might have been.

...

So now I'm trying to reframe my perspective. I'm trying to think about Garrison sleeping in heavenly peace. If I allow myself to, I question whether that is possible, but I hope that it is. I don't know what happens to us after we die, but whatever it is, I hope he's free.

6 comments:

michelle said...

aack. this stuff makes my stomach hurt

it might not be reframable

xoxoxo

Ms. Moon said...

I have no answers but this is a beautiful and heartbreaking post.

Kori said...

I can only echo what both Michelle and Ms. Moon said. My heart breaks for Lori and her other children, for her husband, for EVERYONE connected to this family.

Mwa said...

Some things just cannot be understood, I suppose. But reframing may help to soothe the memory.

All This Trouble... said...

I'm hoping that in this whole, terrible chapter of life, Garrison is the one who IS free.

Petit fleur said...

I think visualizing it and wishing it may make all the difference. I'm not sure how or why, but there is magic in it.

Love you, Steph.
Peace,
pf