Monday, December 20, 2010

Negative

I had been sick to my stomach and generally out of whack. Tired. Thirsty. Bitchy.

Pregnant? I spent a week thinking… nah, I better not be. I can’t be. I might be. I think I had a period at the beginning of the month. I did. It was lighter than usual.

After driving myself crazy and trying to decide whether I was sick to my stomach because I was thinking about it so much or because maybe, just maybe, I could be pregnant. Or you know, it could just be stress. Freaking holidays. My mother-in-law died just a few weeks ago. Stress. Overthinking every possible "symptom". Time for a test. Just so I don't go crazy. Crazier.

So I’m not. And I’m relieved and sad too. Why is that? I know that deciding to have another baby would be irresponsible on my part. It would be good to eventually get on my feet financially. We have a small house and no intention of moving any time soon. I am already blessed with two beautiful children, a boy and a girl, no need to “try” for one or the other. And the not so small fact that both the children I have are what is referred to as “special needs” (tell me, what child isn’t?).

So I’m not. And that’s good. I have everything I need. My family is complete. And I know that part of it (a big part) is “just” hormones. My body knows how to make babies. That’s what it’s “supposed” to do, what it’s programmed to do for the propagation of the species. I know that. And the sadness will pass.

No. This does not mean I really want or need to have another baby. It just is what it is.

5 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

You can still be sad. It's okay. I understand.

Mwa said...

I understand too. The first time I had that sadness I was about eighteen. My first negative pregnancy test (I only chose to get pregnant at 26) and my first sadness like that.

I'm sad now I probably won't have any more. It's only natural. Babies are so wonderful.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Love you, Steph.

SB

May said...

I feel kind-of sad like that every time I have a period.

Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry -- your conflicted feelings are totally understandable.