Wednesday, November 10, 2010

When my time comes

The funeral biz is such a racket. A thousand bucks here, 350 there...

Don't get me wrong. She (my mother-in-law) deserves whatever her son and daughters want to give her in send-off. It's just... good Lord... expensive and maudlin and NOT FOR ME.

So, in the spirit of honoring me in my death, this is what I want:

I want to be cremated*. They have to put your body in something to cremate it, but for crying out loud, make it something on the reasonable end of the price scale. I don't care too much for the $200 cardboard box or the $600 Ikea style fake wood one (actually, it's not that bad, but Dan said NO), the $900 pine one will do just fine. More than fine. Anything more expensive than that will be grounds for a haunting.

Sprinkle my ashes at the place I call home. If for some unforeseeable reason it is no longer my home in the legal or title kinda way, TRESPASS YOUR ASS THERE AND DO IT ANYWAY.

If there must be a get-together of some kind, THERE MUST BE MUSIC and THERE MUST BE FOOD. Alcohol is recommended, but optional. If it helps you to pray, go right ahead. Remember to hug each other and tell people you love them. If there will be little kids there, get a jumper or something so they won't be bored.

That'll do.

* To be completely honest, and perhaps disgusting, I would really rather lay down in a field and be returned to the earth the old-fashioned, ecologically useful kind of way. But I'm pretty sure modern society and my family might frown on such an approach.


Ms. Moon said...

I agree. But have you ever heard of green burial? I really would like to open a green cemetery here. I think that would be an awesome business.

Steph(anie) said...

Ms. Moon, I just googled it and that is AWESOME. I here by revoke this post and will revise after I educate myself a bit.

Petit fleur said...

Sounds as if you need a friend like Walter Socheck from the Big Lebowski to speak to your funeral director...

This is a subject I have thought long and hard about and feel passionately about.

I agree with EVERYthing you said... and it's funny you mentioned how you want to be laid in a field. I've gone through many incarnations of what I want, and being laid on the earth or on a sturdy tree branch would be fine. I've learned that is how many indigenous tribes did things. No burials.

I did want a Viking funeral for a while, but I don't really like the idea of being burned... or floating out to sea. It just seemed better than any of the legal options.

Ok, well. Keep taking deep cleansing breaths. Remember your Nirvana yoga moment, and call if you need to. xoxo pf

michelle said...

I'm all about the cardboard box. And a party. That's it.


Sarcastic Bastard said...

I want a goddamn wake. And I want to be cremated, too, and my ashes sprinkled in the old historic cemetery in Savannah, which is illegal, but I don't give a shit.

Mwa said...

It is strange to have to deal with such things and such expense at a difficult time.

I would like to be left on a rock to be eaten by wolves.