Tuesday, August 3, 2010

mama's tired

I usually don’t dwell on how hard life is. What’s the point, right? Life’s hard. It’s hard for everybody. I think.

But the other day when I was picking up dog poop and thinking about money, I found myself looking at my life objectively.

Can we step back a minute and take stock? Is that okay?

What makes [my] life hard?

My husband is chronically ill. He was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis about two or two and half years ago (there were A LOT of tests and back and forth to doctors). He has a great deal of pain and can’t work. Sometimes I worry that he is in too much pain to care for the kids during the day. He hasn’t worked in four years. He has yet to get approved for any social security benefits. He also has Meniere’s Syndrome and lost his Class A driver’s license because of it.

Both of our children have been tested by the school district and determined to be mild-to-moderately Mentally Retarded. You know that scene in Forrest Gump? When the asshole principal holds up a piece of paper and shows Mrs. Gump where on his chart “normal” IQ is, and then points below a line and says, “this is Forrest.” I've lived that scene twice now. This is not something I write about regularly for a couple reasons. First, I refuse to lower my expectations of them. They are kids just like any other so-called normal kids and have to learn to take care of themselves and watch out for one another and love and be loved. Second, I am in denial (still). Third, I don’t want this website to ever hurt either of them in any way, so in trying not to say too much I say nothing.

I have a good job with good benefits, but I also have a lot of responsibility. Just as I am the only bread-winner at home, I am the only person doing my particular job at work. If I’m out there is no back-up.

And what about you? What makes your life hard? I’m not talking about whining. (I don’t mean to whine here and hope it doesn't come off that way.) I’m just asking, honestly. Life is hard and stressful and it wears us down. It’s okay to look at it and realize the parts that are hard. Isn’t it?

Tell me. If you don't want to comment, feel free to email me. My email link can be found on my profile page.

11 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I think my life is probably incredibly easy. I just make it hard by stressing out over things I shouldn't.

ZenGato said...

It is a cycle of ups and downs. A few months ago I thought it couldn't get any better. My partner has been unemployed for over a year but we had learned how to cut back and each day was wonderful. Then I badly sprained my ankle and just as those weeks of pain ended I was diagnosed with a 4.5 cm ovarian cyst and I am in so much pain I haven't slept in 2 days. But you know what? That awesome feeling of "it can't get any better" will come back around.

Steph(anie) said...

Ms. Moon - I need to write a follow up post about how it is SO MUCH easier than it was this time last year!

ZenGato - Ups and downs. Some idle Tuesday... I agree 100% :)

Mwa said...

It's good to take stock and stand still. I want to send you a big hug, a bar of chocolate and a mojito.

My life is not hard, I realise better than ever just now.

Big kiss.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm with Ms. Moon. I feel lucky most of the time.

I love you, Steph. You are a good mom. I'm surely sorry that things are hard.

SB

All This Trouble... said...

So. Did you feel a little silly after sharing this post with us? I ran off and posted my hard knock post and now I feel funny about it. Not embarrassed but like it's not THAT bad after all.

I should also point out that your challenges dropped out of the sky on you. Mine are pretty much self-made. I'm just really thankful to be around to join that club you mentioned :o)

Steph(anie) said...

ATT - YES!

I reread and was like... what am I complaining about again? I have a good life. I'm generally capable and have so many blessings, including living in a place I love two beautiful children and a husband that gets me all tingly. Some days are hard I guess, but basically, life rocks!

Steph(anie) said...

I don't regret it though, you know? The post I mean. Maybe dragging those feelings of difficultness were relieved in part by dragging them out into the daylight.

Steph(anie) said...

I guess I'm not done with this topic :)

As far as self-made challenges. My money/credit situation (that I didn't even really get into here, I guess because I like to tell myself it will be better in a few months) is entirely self-made. It's been about a year since my bankruptcy was finalized. And now I couldn't finance a toothbrush.

Petit fleur said...

Money, neurosis, money, mommy-ing 24/7, money, house falling apart, money.... other than those things, I guess i'm pretty lucky too.

I find it usually depends on my frame of mind each day as to whether or not my day rolls in a good way and I feel fortunate, or everything is hard and chaotic and desperately unyielding.
Those are dark days.

I think you have the perfect attitude about your children. There are lots of ways our society likes to pigeonhole us and stick labels on us all... All we can do as parents is stay as aware, loving and supportive as we can and help them to navigate their own individual challenges.

Hope your feeling lighter soon.
xo pf

Bethany said...

of course it's okay.
i hear no whining, just honesty.
i love that.
what makes my life hard is my anxiety. i let it rule me. it is suddenly back full force since Susie moved out last weekend, keeping me pretty isolated. But I know I'll be okay eventually.
hugs Steph.