Wednesday, May 12, 2010

off-key and off-balance

Did you ever have one of those days when you feel like you shouldn’t have access to car keys or the checkbook? I feel like I am moments away from doing something regrettable. I’m not talking about having an affair or anything like that. I just mean that I feel like I’m seeing myself from the outside, and that my judgment right now just isn’t what you’d call… good. I should just stay where I am and not make any big decisions. Or any decisions at all for that matter. Whether, yes, it is okay to turn left right now, or I’ll have a burrito for lunch, everything just seems a little… off. And then I tell myself that I’m being too hard on myself. And a few minutes later I’m really beginning to question my sanity.

Maybe I just need a day off. And a hammock.

.::.

I dreamed about my (bio) dad last night. He was coming to visit and I was terrified. When his car pulled into the driveway, I suddenly felt very exposed and very, very fat. I woke up before we exchanged any words.

I woke up a little bothered by the dream, but then quickly became very relieved that it wasn't real. I was very happy that I didn't have to actually see him. There may have even been some skipping and humming. I can only guess that I dreamed about him because his birthday is coming up (a week from today) and subconsiously I was aware of that. I'm not even sure how old he will be... maybe 66. I wonder how long he will be alive. I wonder whether I will feel anything other than relieved when he is gone.

6 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Oh girl. I can relate to every bit of this. Take a day off. Do it.

All This Trouble... said...

I can only relate because I have Bio parents out there...somewhere and have lots of wishing/not wishing for things associated with them. Mostly meeting them. Which I never will. I don't think. And now I don't think I want to. Or do I?

I will go buy something on Etsy now to make us both feel better :o)

michelle said...

Yes. A hammock in the sun. And no bad dreaams

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I think you DO need a day for you. I have days like this, too.

Your bio dad missed out by not knowing you.

Petit fleur said...

The body remembers things, even when the mind does not want to...

Sending love,
pf. xo

Mwa said...

Oh yes I do feel like that. You take care of yourself now. x