Wednesday, January 27, 2010

the dam done burst

I am swinging wildly between dark and light. Warm and cold. Happy and heartbroken. I am so grateful for the posts I’ve read today. I am so grateful to all the bloggers I read and the people that come here. The world is beautiful and cruel, today and every day. One of my coworkers is pregnant. And I am happy for her, I really am. But also afraid. Not for her and her baby, but for the delicateness of babies, of people. A few months before my friend Lori was arrested, she had quit her job to stay home with her boys. She was crazy in love with her little ones and went on and on about what a good baby the youngest was. I remember her saying that she worried she wasn’t a good enough mother, and I told her that if she wasn’t a good enough mother then there wasn’t a way to be a good enough mother.

I let Austin’s clean laundry pile up now because it reminds me of Lori and Garrison. I used to separate out clothes that Austin had outgrown to give to Lori for Garrison when I was putting laundry away. We gave so many toys and clothes and shoes and playpens and and and back and forth between our boys. Hers were a year older and a year younger than Austin. Bookends. But now I turn around to look behind me and see nothing but an abyss. His brother, Gregory, still asks for him. Still wants to play with his baby brother. I can only imagine that he doesn’t understand where his mother is.

After Lori was arrested I knew two things about myself. I would never quit my job and I would never have another baby. I don’t know why that is. It’s not like those two things add up to a formula for bad things to happen. I’m just so afraid of mental illness. I’m afraid of losing my own grip on reality. Whatever the fuck reality is. I’m so afraid of where she is.

It’s so amazing to me how tragedy can bring life into focus. I am more aware now of singing birds. The majesty of trees. The release that a good laugh brings. But there are moments when I sit alone at the dining table unable to look up. Unable to say words. Unable to even cry. I am becoming an alcoholic. Not a mean one, not a drunk driving one, but one that has to take the edge off in order to have a conversation without babbling like an idiot. I am knowingly and willingly killing myself slowly with food. And I’m just so damn tired the last few days.

But please don’t worry. I am tired because I have been sick with a cold, and Austin has been sick and getting up at night and my defenses are down. But I just started my period, and you know how that works, the upswing that comes after that. The lightness comes back. I still eat healthy food, I just eat too much sugar too. I get paid in a few days and there’s a cycle to that too. The money comes in (once a month), I pay the bills, grocery shop like a madwoman, spend a little on unnecessaries and a couple weeks later I’m broke again. And broke and tired for me is a recipe for being in the dumps and that is exactly where I am right now. But Friday is payday, and Saturday my class starts and I’ll be okay again. Today is a day for crying, and not having money and missing my friend, but it will pass.

10 comments:

Bethany said...

Oh my gosh Stephanie, this is horrendous. Give yourself a break. No wonder you're feeling so out of sorts. That is so traumatic. Maybe you could go talk to a therapist? Really, this is not something you can just easily take in and know what to do with. Please go easy and take care of yourself and your babies. Big hugs.

Steph(anie) said...

I am in therapy and it definitely helps, but every once in a while it kind of catches.

Bethany said...

Oh, of course it does. Just wanted to make sure you were getting some help. That's such traumatic stuff. No wonder...
Keep on keeping on.

adrienne said...

my dearest,

i don't worry when you say these things; i worry when you don't. yes, life is tragic and gorgeous, and until the world changes drastically, we need to just be used to it.

i love you, and am so pleased that you will take a course in viticulture; as i srote to a friend today, 'wine makes the heart glad'.

remember moderation, in all things. that is something i wor on every day, my dear, sweet, mamma.

Ms. Moon said...

Oh honey. That's all I have to say- Oh, honey.

Darcy said...

I can relate to how you feel...when my period comes I go so low and then I always come up again. It's like mind hibernation. I think it's good to let yourself just feel down every now and again! You'll be cracking jokes in no time ;-)....now i have to go click that link on lori so i can get the rest of the story.....

Darcy said...

ok, i just read it...how said stephanie....i'm so sorry so so sorry....

Mwa said...

I'm just sending you a big hug. I wish I could come over and have some cake with you, and tea. Just to sit together.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Sweet Steph,
The fact that you are worried about your sanity means you are mentally healthy. People who go bonkers are convinced that they are sane for the most part. They don't see it coming.

I have some of the same "traps" as you. I, too, am headed for a drink problem. I overeat. I am clinically depressed and medicated. I understand and I love you.

Obviously your friend was not in a sane state of mind when she did what she did, therefore, you will never be able to understand why she did it. It's okay and understandable to feel sad about it though. It surely is.

Love, love, love you.

Petit fleur said...

Hey you,
That place sucks. Broke and tired REALLY sucks.

And you're right, it is a cycle. It's so great that you are in that class, because sometimes having something outside of our scope of... sort of more obligatory responsibilities is just the ticket...not really escape, more like redirecting energy. Because whether or not you feel badly or worry about it, things are what they are, so if you redirect then there is a better chance of at least feeling better! yay!

Damn, I'm long winded.
xo Feel better! pf