Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Be vewy, vewy qwiet. I'm hunting vawmints.

I want to cry, and it is absolutely the dumbest thing. I have this really great looking little lime tree, we planted it about a year ago and it has already produced, but this goddamn, motherfucking, shit hole of a gopher is destroying it. We tried to drown or at least run off the little rat bastard by sticking a hose in its hole and letting it run. I put chicken wire around the tree trunk. I put big rocks on the ground all around it between the outer ring of chicken wire and the chicken wire directly around the trunk and that little son of a bitch still got half way through what’s left of the trunk. ARRRGH.

It actually started a couple weeks ago when the tree still had 2 trunks, splitting down low like a Y, and that freaking jerk of a gopher chewed completely through one of the two trunks and then, THEN, he just left the freaking half a tree laying there! He didn’t even have the decency to take it home and feed his little rat bastard babies. But at least the tree still had one good, strong half left. Thank god or mother nature or whatever for that. But the little fucker came back for the other half. AAARRRRRRGGGH!

I HATE GOPHERS.

I HATE RABBITS.

I HATE HATE HATE SQUIRRELS, the cantaloupe stealing buggers.

So we bought a pack of smoke bombs. As much as I HATE it when these little shit heads ruin my plants, I really do try to avoid killing them. I TRY to find plants they don’t like and protect the ones they do like, but god damn it, enough already! I just hope it’s not too late for my tree. And don’t ask me why I’m so attached to this tree. It’s become some kind of freaking crusade at this point. HE CAN’T JUST TAKE MY GORGEOUS LIME TREE. DO YOU HEAR ME? IT’S MINE!!!

"I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit."
-- Carl Spackler

"I'm sowwy, Mr. Wabbit. I hope I didn't hurt you too much when I killed you."
-- Elmer Fudd

2 comments:

I'm the Momma said...

Okay - so people are looking at me because I am laughing so freaking hard!! you have so defined how both me and my hubby view the topos (spanish for gopher)! In fact, because we have been so inefficient at killing them, I bought Chris (and Owen) and game called WHACK A MOLE. He gets to take a bat and smack em' over the head. I am hoping that this helps to alleviate some of the frustration. Those things SUCK!!!!

Steph(anie) said...

Oh Bec, I'm so sad about the damn tree now. It must me more than that, you know. The tree must be triggering some other emotions or something. Let me know if you figure out how to beat them.