Thursday, April 30, 2009

Present Tense

I used to be a really obnoxious Pearl Jam fan. I know, you’re asking, what Pearl Jam fan isn’t obnoxious? Beside the fucking point, okay?

A little timeline, just for reference… their first record hit when I was a freshman in high school and that was the first time I liked rock music (I was raised on country music). By the fourth album I was pregnant with my first child. Their fifth record still stands as my favorite. A little while after that I “grew up” [snort, yeah, right] found other music and sort of grew out of Pearl Jam. I still kept up with them in a sort of detached way, but after 9/11 especially, things like Grievance didn’t seem very appropriate [to me].

But recently my favorite radio station ever started putting a song from 2002 into rotation. (Side note: 2002 was either 100 years ago or yesterday, I can’t decide.) Coincidentally, I also started counseling recently, which tends to bring up memories [shudder]. So I started digging into the old CD collection and my brain is suddenly a slide show of my high school age bedroom, pregnancy at 18, art class in college, concerts with friends, my first date with my husband, my first job. BAM, BAM, BAM, just like that.

It’s so weird to feel like your old self, but somehow different. To go from “I’m not having kids,” to “oh, shit, I’m pregnant,” to “one more,” to “no way, no how, no more.” Dreaming of growing up and being happy, and then finding out that for me, happy isn’t always easy. Swearing I wouldn’t be like my mom, hating her job every day, and then guess what? I only hate my job 99 out of 100 days. Living in a place that felt like home the first time I set foot there. I never thought I would be “here,” but I guess here ain’t too shabby.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Bear Flew

I suppose the monster was always inside her. She just did a better job of holding it down, before. Medications made it sleep like a bear in winter. That is to say, putting the pieces together, the madness was always there. We just didn’t know the brand. I feel like that kid in the Sixth Sense, only I see crazy people. And I’m crazy but don’t know it yet. That’s what scares me the most. That like death is inevitable, the beast is in us all. Like a disease that slumbers for years before rearing its ugly head. We are all carriers of the madness. What will you do with yours? I tried to ruin my marriage two years ago. I almost pulled it off, but that husband of mine is a fighter. I haven’t beaten that out of him yet. And what of his madness, you ask? Well, that’s a thought for another day. This friend of mine used her madness in the worst possible way. And now what? Does she stay in that place where crazy is the new normal? Is normal a foreign country now? A foreign country where babies are killed by swine flu instead of their mama’s sleeping bear.

Monday, April 27, 2009

What a Light

I realize this is just overexposed, but there's some truth to the brightness of this.

Like her father, she can not sit for a picture without making a face. Oy.

Where did I get these blond, blue-eyed kids?

In Hiding

No words from me right now... just Eddie

Friday, April 24, 2009

Photo Essay: The Commute

I actually go through some pretty country on the way to and from work, so I was screwing around the other day, snapping shots out the windows. Aren't you glad you weren't on the road with me?

Things won't be this green for very long. Summer blankets us in brown.

Oooooh, pretty sky. Cleverly avoiding the tract homes in this shot.

Probably speeding while not paying attention to the road. The really sad thing? At least two employees at my place of employment have died on this very same road since I've worked there.

These here horses...

Live right across the street from these here golfers...

Speeding? Me? No!

Right here is a very expensive produce stand. I think they thought they were on the I-5 or something.

These folks REALLY like their pepper trees, I think there's about 40.

I love the sky like this don't you?

These are actually pretty new roads, much needed in the area.

Before the housing market bombed out, this was all supposed to be tract homes...

And more tract homes. Eventually there will be, but for now some developer is just sitting on this land...

Right about here it starts to smell like cow shit. Again.

I will never be able to take a photo that does this vista justice...

There's a college... I not saying wich one, nope nope nope...

This here stop sign REALLY needs to be a signal. You don't wanna come through here in the morning, believe me.

There's the high school my kids will attend, some day, 10 YEARS APART. What the hell was I thinking...

AND that's where our tour ends. Have a good weekend. I'm off to the hammock.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Today, today, today

Today it has been two months since Garrison died. I haven't called his dad in a few weeks. The last letter from Lori was worrisome.
Today we changed my daughter's special education classification from DHH (Deaf or Hard of Hearing) to MR. It's just letters on a piece of paper. She's still her beautiful self.
Today my checking account is overdrawn and I don't get paid for another week.
Today is still a beautiful day.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day

It’s Earth Day, so I *should* be writing about the environment, but I have this gawd awful headache. Always happens around the beginning of my period. Which makes me think maybe I won’t wake up tomorrow and wish I was dead. PMS doesn’t bring out the best in me.

Okay. Sorry, the environment, right. Things I’m doing a good job of… I use my handy-dandy Nalgene water bottle AND uh… crap, I suck at this.

Things I need to work on… potty training the boy. [Hangs head in shame.] Yes, Ms. Moon, I use disposable diapers for the boy. Ready for some excuses? I work full time and washing cloth diapers takes time and energy. And the day-care center would frown on storing soiled diapers for pick up. And… I know, I suck. There’s no excuse. If it’s any consolation it will be over relatively soon and there ain’t no plans for no more babies at my house, so it won’t be an issue for long.

Uggh, I’m gonna go get something a little stronger than water in my Nalgene.

.::.

Oh! I just remembered something else that's good! I wear recyclable shoes.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Gasp!

How did I not know this already?!? Johnny Depp is playing the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland!?!

March 5, 2010 cannot come soon enough.

Johnny Depp in costume as the Mad Hatter

drained

I am all empty. At therapy yesterday I poured my heart out and came out with an empty stomach. I was so hungry I couldn’t stand it. Today I feel like I have nothing to give. I want only to absorb. I will read some, and later I will go listen to a guest speaker at the college. He is a holocaust survivor. I expect it will be a very emotional experience.

I used to be a much more creative person than I am now. I was always making things with my hands. Now I’d rather go lie on the hammock, watch the trees and listen to the birds. I couldn’t find the camera this morning, and I wanted so badly to take a photo of the view from the hammock. Big tall trees, blue sky with wispy clouds, hummingbird feeder, wind chimes, and a wooden patio cover. In the morning you hear the sound of literally hundreds of birds, at night it’s the frogs and crickets. You can smell the perfume of the citrus blossoms, orange, lemon and lime. And there’s something about the feel of a string hammock. It almost massages a little.

I am so blessed that my very own backyard is becoming my place to go to. No need to visualize a deserted beach and palm trees. I’ve got a real picture that suits me much better.

Monday, April 20, 2009

shhhh

I have to whisper, lest I curse it, but I think I like my new therapist.

Rough Waters

Yesterday we turned on the AC for the first time this year. It’s only April, people, this does not bode well.

I dreamed last night that my husband took a barge and built something along the lines of a houseboat into it. Then it sprung a leak.

Aside from the leak it was pretty cool. You could go all over the place (well, wherever barges can go) and take your home with you. Like being a gypsy, or those families that live in RVs. Barges can weather any storm, can't they?

I also dreamed that a co-worker lost her job because of her internet activities. I think that was a warning to myself.

Oh, yeah, and I have an appointment with a new therapist today. ME = NERVOUS

Friday, April 17, 2009

Sidewalk

This morning I found myself alone on the same piece of sidewalk where we used to meet every morning and my heart hurt.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Panda Porn

Bai Yun and Gao Gao, the mommy and daddy pandas over at the San Diego Zoo, have been busy getting it on the last couple of days. I think I’m more excited about them having sex than I am about me having sex. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but I do think it’s pretty cool. Maybe in a few months there will be a new little fur ball. Yay!

I took the pic above last November when we went to the zoo for my daughter's birthday. I *think* it's Su Lin, Bai Yun and Gao Gao's second cub together.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I am NOT the biggest loser

I had to go to the lady-parts doctor last Thursday. They wouldn’t refill my birth control otherwise. Anyway, since I tend to avoid going to doctors, she’s the only one I see with any regularity and I like to take advantage of my visit by talking to her about general health stuff. [She was the one that prescribed my Prozac better than two years ago.] I brought up my weight to save her the trouble of being delicate about it. She said our hospital does lap bands now. Seriously? I’m a candidate for surgery now? How’s that for a wakeup call.

I told her I’m not interested in surgery. I know that I am an emotional eater, so I don’t see the point in having surgery if I don’t address the root cause, you know, my PSYCHE. So, how do you do that? Hypnosis? Bribery? Rubber band on the wrist? I suppose one obvious suggestion is counseling, but I don’t wanna. [Want some cheese with that whine?]

Shit. I could just give up and hover around 300 pounds for the rest of my life, however long that ends up being.

A while back I was trying to lose weight the old fashioned way and it wasn’t working. I decided to go the [regular] doctor to get my thyroid checked, but the appointment fell through and I never rescheduled. Since then I haven’t been very good, eating whatever the hell I want, so I should get back on track there, right?

Maybe I'll get the pics up later

Well, despite my existential crisis over the weekend, Easter was a smashing success. There was a house full of people and a table full of food. The bathroom got cleaned to sparkling.

I was a little worried about how the day would go when we started off at 6:00 AM with Red Vines and M&Ms for breakfast. But we rode out the sugar highs and lows pretty well.

There are photos, but I don’t have them right now. The camera got hijacked by the husband.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Since I laid my burden down

I still haven't cleaned the fucking bathroom. I'll get on it first thing in the morning.

I didn't go to the church play tonight. It runs three nights in a row and last night was enough for me.

Tonight I took advantage of Austin's obsession with dog movies and made him watch Because of Winn Dixie with me. It's about the lonely, motherless daughter of a preacher who befriends a mutt. The last scene of the movie features the song Glory Glory Hallelujah. If there's anything that ever makes me doubt my lack of religion, it's gospel music. Seriously, that shit gets me every time. I think it's a conspiracy or something.

But then someone inevitably starts TALKING about religion and it all goes to shit again.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Tonight

Tonight I screamed and cried in the bathroom while my son sat outside and asked if I was alright.

Tonight I fought with a god that I don't think I believe in.

Tonight I watched a church play about Jesus.

Tonight I chased my hollering son around a church where old folks shushed him.

Tonight I lost my son's jacket and brand new backpack in said church.

Tonight I missed my friend.

Tonight I asked why babies have to die.

Tonight I fantasized about clearing out the checking account, getting in the car, and driving as far as I could.

Tonight I realized that my daughter is almost a teenager and doesn't care if I show up to support her when she's in the church play.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Happy Secular Spring Celebration

Easter is one of the holidays we usually host at our house. I’ll take care of the ham, green bean casserole, dinner rolls, baked beans, brownies and drinks. My mother-in-law will fix potato salad, mom brings strawberries (to go with dessert), grandma brings ice cream and my aunt and uncle bring green salad.

We’ll dye way too many eggs, as usual, and have trouble finding them all. Have you ever done an egg hunt on an acre? It takes for effing ever. Last year we used plastic eggs filled with money (?!) and chocolate, but screw that, we’re back to the real thing now.

My cousin, his lady, and their baby were supposed to come down from up north, but a family illness has forced them to cancel their trip. They will be missed.

I have to clean the bathroom or I’ll die of embarrassment. Otherwise I think we’re just about ready.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Monsoon

I'll let Jack speak for me today. One of my favorites...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Yes, I am one of THOSE people

Ahem, serious geek post begins... now.

I am a HUGE Avatar: The Last Airbender fan. I love that show in ways that I can’t explain. Even my two-year-old knows well enough to be quiet while it’s on. For those of you who don’t watch, there are four nations, Air, Water, Earth, and Fire. As the title sequence says, the Four Nations once lived in peace, but then the Fire Nation attacked. It's up to the Avatar to bring balance back to the world.

There are benders in each nation, people who can physically manipulate their element in a martial arts fashion. Aang, the title character, is the last Airbender and the newest incarnation of the Avatar.

It took some serious soul searching for me to decide that if I lived in the Avatar’s world, I would be Earth Nation. Those are my people. I romanticize the Water Nation, but accept myself for what I am.

Anyway, they are making a live action film*, and I am doing my duty as a fan by linking to aang-aint-white.livejournal.com

*Put me at the top of the list of skeptics here. Some things should not be messed with.

Monday, April 6, 2009

A case of the Mondays

Mondays are extra super hard anymore. It’s not JUST that I’m hung over from the weekend and REALLY don’t want to get my ass out of bed for work. That terrible thing that happened a few weeks ago… that was on a Monday. And I can’t help but think about it. Especially in the afternoon.

I haven’t talked about it on this new blog yet. I suppose I was trying to avoid it. But that’s not all that realistic. It’s still there. The court process is starting to perk. I doubt my blog will present any kind of problem, but I should be careful about what I say anyway. She has plead not guilty.

It will likely be a slow and drawn out trial. Maybe some of my unanswered questions will be addressed. I’m sure not all of them will be.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

summer 06

No matter where I go in the world, or how long I live, Corrine Bailey Rae's music will remind me of the summer Austin was born. I had an invaluable 3 months off of work with him. World Cup Soccer and Wimbledon were both happening in the earliest weeks so there was the pleasant white noise of crowds cheering on the TV which was turned down low, and lots of green grass on the screen. And I held my baby boy.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Alma Nueva

You know how people sometimes say a person is an Old Soul? It’s usually meant as a compliment, or said with some reverence. They may be saying that this person is mature or understanding beyond their years.

My daughter is very much a New Soul. That is not to say that she is immature, which she can be, just that she is oddly pure and somehow fresh. Her bright blue eyes can be piercing and needy. Her emotions tend to be easily exposed. She is easily hurt and easily soothed. She can be generous to a fault. Her speech developed late and poorly, leaving her very lost at times. She was six the first time she told me “I don’t know how to say it.” Meaning she was aware of something she needed to communicate to me, but that she didn’t have the tools to put it together. That moment just about knocked me on my ass. The fact that she was aware of her weakness was both encouraging and heartbreaking.

Her tendency for poor verbal communication and emotional neediness makes me fear for her safety, mostly in terms of sex. When she was really young and couldn’t speak well at all, I was terrified that it made her a target for a certain kind of behavior. She couldn’t tattle. But now as she approaches her teen years, I worry that she might dive into sex without a good understanding of the consequences. She knows about babies. She knows girls who have had babies too young and without being married [including her mother]. But she doesn’t know the emotional fall out, not to mention the danger of STDs. And she’s not the kind of person who can be made to understand something easily without experiencing it herself.

I’m not necessarily asking for help here, just expressing something. She’s had a rough road so far. And it’s not over yet. The next few years will probably be the hardest of all.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Really? Again?

So I deleted my previous blog sometime last week. Now I miss it already. Problem is, I don't always like the reflection I see of myself here. I can sometimes be sarcastic, maybe bitter, depressed (some people would say that is an understatement). But those aren't the things I want to put out into the world. I want to shine a positive light.

So, a new title and a new beginning. I like those. New beginnings that is. What does the title mean? Well, it's a quote from this cute little movie called The Ant Bully. It's something the ants say over and over again in thanks, praise, etc. of their deity, a mythological mother figure. Also, I like the double meaning implied insofar as mother earth, and the environment and whatnot.

So here goes nuthin.