Tuesday, December 29, 2009

relearning and unlearning

Damn it I'm tired. Ready for this year to be over. Ready for this month be over and for payday to come so I can buy dog food.

I learned and relearned some things this year and unlearned some things that I may or may not have been pretty sure about. I know now, again, that I am not a Believer in God. The same way I knew when I was a young child. I spent a couple dozen years in the middle questioning my lack of belief, for various reasons, but when my mettle was tested this year the answer came through loud and clear.

Maybe it's not as true to say that I don't believe in God as it is to say that for me it doesn't matter if there is a God.

I can only imagine what a blasphemous statement that must seem to be for some people. I mean no offense. The thing is, whether or not there is a God, I want to be a good person. And I know bad things will happen to me and my loved ones sometimes whether or not I believe in God. And there are some things in this life that I have absolutely no control over, and whether those things are determined by God or chance or the stars or whatever it just doesn't matter, it's a fact either way.

And if God does exist, I don't believe for one second that he gives a rat's ass if I love him or not.


I suppose I should acknowledge the oddity of posting this atheistic blubbering just after a big ol' Merry Christmas post... Christmas is something I do for my family. It could just as easily be called Saturnalia or Secular Winter Money Orgy or Every Baby is a Miracle Day; a rose is a rose.


Kathleen Scott said...

Love this post. I've had some testing too. It would have been easier if I'd had a god when I was diagnosed with cancer. When you're dying faster, you'd like to think you're going to make it even after you're gone.

Instead of god I had sunsets and love from family and ceaseless tides and the learning that life is this moment, no one owns the next, god or no. And I still have those things in recovery so I'm ahead of the game, having lost much of the fear of the end.

I found my way to you from Ms. Moon's Bless Our Hearts blogroll. Look forward to enjoying your thoughts in the new year.

Steph(anie) said...

I'm so glad to know that you are in recovery.

Ms. Moon is such a blessing, isn't she?

Ms. Moon said...

Amen, sweetie. Amen.