Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Warning: TMI and clichés ahead

I’m gonna have to rename this site The Therapy Blog. Anyway, I do find it helpful to write some after a session to carry the thought process further and sort out my *feelings* [icky face]. This week we continued the conversation about my dad and my weight and got into more specifics about how the latter has, hand-in-hand with my body image, affected things like my sex life. I don’t think it was said out loud, but the thought occurred to me that maybe I use The Fat as a way to stay distant from people. To have an outward *excuse* for not being attractive, or wanted, in social situations.

Even with my own husband, who is no Twiggy himself, who I have been with for nearly 14 years, who I know loves me in spite of myself, even with him I have trouble getting nekkid. And gods forbid he touch a roll or anything. I get all uncomfortable and twitchy, which doesn’t exactly set the tone for hot monkey luvin.

Enough about that… improving my body image is, I think, a two part process. First, I need to accept that I won’t ever be a Barbie. I realize that sounds like a given, but still, I need to remember that expectations must be realistic. Second, I need to improve the way my body feels and looks. Now, I know some would say the first step should be accepting my body the way it is now, but that shit ain’t gonna happen. I know that I need to take action to begin to feel better.

In order to move forward, these are my first steps:

  • No more Mountain Dew at all, not once a day, not once a week. None. At. All.
  • Exercise every day. Not excessively, just make a habit of getting up and moving. Might be walking, stair steps, lifting… yoga. Oh, how I miss yoga.
  • *Continue* to eat lots of fruits and veggies, get fiber, drink water and eat lean protein.

I’m also considering joining Overeater’s Anonymous. To be honest, I’m a little afraid of it. I am worried, maybe unjustifiably, that it is a cult. I know they talk about God and the Unity of the Group, which freaks me out, but it might just be the right thing, and I want to be open to finding solutions. I’ve done Weight Watchers, but I don’t think that program does enough to address the psychological/spiritual/addiction issues involved in compulsive eating. I know that for me, food is an addiction and an obsession.

I don’t really have a target weight at this point, mostly because the distance I have to go is daunting, but also because I really just want to be more healthy and more happy and that is a journey, not a number on a scale.


Ms. Moon said...

You're figuring it out and you've got a plan. Halfway there. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are.

Steph said...

Ms. Moon I was raised by a Master Planner. Planning is easy. Moving my ass? Not so much.

Lady Lemon said...

I totally feel your pain on this. I've yo-yoed on the scale more times than I can even recall at this point, reaching my all time high, well, now. I need to get focused, too!

Steph said...

Lady Lemon - I find I'm most focused right after I've had my chocolate. But then, a few hours later...

Frances said...

Steph, I can't remember how I found your blog But dammit I am so glad I did. I've been lurking for a little while now and just decided to stop being a scardey cat and de-lurk.

I too have thought about O.E.A. but am also turned off by the cultish-religious aspect. That said after a particular stressful day today I found myself scarfing a doughnut to try and calm down.

You are most certainly not alone. But if you stay on this healing path I'm sure you'll get there.

Steph said...

Frances, I'm so glad you de-lurked! I just started something new... I'm gonna try confessing my food, and tracking it for myself, on Twitter. There's a feed over there on the right, toward the bottom. Maybe the whole internet can be my OA. :)