Thursday, May 28, 2009

St. Elsewhere

I have to DO something. I absolutely must do SOMETHING to move on. I’ve done what I was supposed to do, but it’s still there. How do I make it not be there anymore? The pain. I write about her. I dream about her. I talk about her. I do my best to get the feelings OUT, OUT, OUT. But still, a song will reduce me to tears. I cry at work. What should I do?

I want to write her a letter. No, actually, I want to write a letter to who she used to be. Or who I thought she was? Should I write a letter and then put it in a drawer or a box? I can’t send her what I want to say because I don’t know where she is. I know where her physical being is, but her mind is lost. Her ‘self’ is lost. Only she doesn’t think so.

I want to visit her. But I cannot listen to the words she will say. I cannot look her in the eye.

I bristle when people say they are sorry for what I am going through. I object. I am not going through ANYTHING compared to what her family is going through. They are the ones who must face each day without their baby. Why am I hurting so much? I want to slap myself and say ‘get over it; it is SO not about YOU.’ I spend days at a time acting like it’s not there, thinking maybe I’ll forget or it will heal if I don’t scratch it. But then it just comes back. Am I doing that to myself somehow? Am I making myself hurt more than I should?

I want to feel better now. Isn’t it time yet?

.::.

"St. Elsewhere" by Gnarls Barkley

I packed a few of my belongings
Left the life that I was living
Just some memories of it
Mostly the ones I can't forget

Whenever you need me I'll be here
Until then my dear
I'm going, I'm going, I'm going there
Don't ask me to make time
To travel back and forth
Let nature take its course
Maybe I'm open from all this ocean air
And if it weren't for you I'd be without a care
Setting sail to St. Elsewhere

Anywhere you sit you can see the sun
Unfortunately on this island I'm the only one
Same rules apply on a rainy day
And it's not such a pretty place to be
It just rains, and rains, and rains on me
Send a simple sign, I can understand
Then a flower grew out that sand
Before you knew it, I was back out on that sea
Now I don't mind it so much
Because as long as I'm not there
Anywhere is St. Elsewhere

Way over yonder there is new frontier
Would it be so hard for you to come and visit me here?
I understand
Would you just send me a message in a bottle then baby?
St. Elsewhere

3 comments:

Bobbie Leigh said...

Steph, you have a connection to that family. Don’t undermine your own feelings; it’s fair to grieve the baby as well as the loss of a person you thought was an amazing friend. I wish I could say something to make it all better, but since I can’t, do what you need to do and work through your feelings. There’s no right or wrong way to cope with this horrible tragedy.

Ms. Moon said...

I agree with Bobbie. You have not had enough time to begin to "get over" this tragedy. It's just too much for the mind to contain to try and figure it out, PLUS the grief over the baby and the loss of a someone you loved who is not really that person any more.
And like Bobbie said, there is no wrong or right way to get through this. You just have to deal with it as your heart tells you.

Lady Lemon said...

I agree with the others. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a painful and sad situation for everyone involved. Let yourself heal in whatever way feels most natural for you. You can't rush it, it takes time.

Hang in there. We're here for you.