Monday, May 4, 2009

Happy doesn't always come easy

Late Saturday afternoon we all went out for a nice dinner. [By the way, when I say “all” that includes me, the hubs, our two kids and my mother-in-law, who lives with us…] We had a very nice dinner indeed, then went to a produce stand and loaded up on fruits and veggies for the week, went home, filled our bellies even further with strawberries [mmmm] and sat outside in the evening air. It was so absolutely lovely. My husband and I went to bed and did what couples do, and then I cried. A sadness washed over me that was completely unexpected, but not.

I dreamed that night that I was driving a large SUV, something I will never own, and was cursing myself for driving the long way to work to avoid traffic before remembering that there isn’t any traffic anymore on the usual road [we live by a high school and I think their schedule changed recently or something]. I was struggling to turn left onto a busy street with no signal, didn’t notice some pedestrians, and just missed hitting a child. I jumped out of the SUV and ran over to the boy and his father and asked if he was okay. His father, amazingly, wasn’t overtly angry. I was so shaken in the dream that refused to drive to work or home; I called my husband to come get me.

I’ve always been very aware of the potential for great bodily harm that vehicles hold. Scares the ever lovin’ shit out of me, actually. I refuse to ride on my husband’s motorcycle with him because I don’t want to leave my kids with no parents.

An aside… ever since I was very young, I’ve had recurring dreams of being in moving car when there is no one in the driver’s seat. I always struggle to reach over to the steering wheel and gain control of the car, but wake up before that can happen. I realize this dream is more about control (or my perceived lack of it) than it is about driving.

Sunday was a rough day all around, and I found myself lying in bed at the end of the day, asking myself what the hell was the matter, which led to this internal dialogue…

I’m not happy.
Why not, what do I need?
More time by myself. No. Some, any time by myself.
Some place or thing in my life where everything I do isn’t criticized.

I found myself thinking about Lori. Thinking thoughts I can’t post here. Wondering if my husband would be happier if I left. Thinking leaving isn’t possible. Would I take the kids? Leave the kids? Neither option is acceptable. Thinking it’s a good thing I’m in therapy.

1 comment:

Ms. Moon said...

You are asking the hard questions. You are searching. You are getting help in finding answers. You're doing it right.