Friday, May 22, 2009

Ease Back

Morning drive, every song on the radio is one we had shared. This is not remarkable. We shared a lot of music. But it did pour some salt in. Yesterday was a hard day. A day when, under other circumstances, I would have called or emailed my friend to commiserate and laugh. Who do I talk to now? My husband is a good man, but he’s no 'girlfriend'. My mom is a great mom, but she is Mom.

My husband, who reads this blog [hi, babe] is worried that I think about my unwell friend too much. He is worried that it might be making me unwell. I don’t know how to reassure him. I am sad. I am scared for her and her family. Sometimes I am mad, but mostly not. It is something I am going through, not something that is ruining me.

Selfishly, I mourn the loss of a friend. I don’t have much luck making friends. I am VERY fortunate in many other ways, but not in friendship. I have friends. But it is not easy for me to open up. It is not easy for me to trust. And this? Was a very good friend. A friend that I failed in some ways. I look back at emails that say, “When can we get together?” Or “I’m angry [at whatever].” Or “I need some 'me' time.” And if I had been a better friend, I would have gone to her and dragged her out of her house for a girls’ day. But I’m not good at that stuff.

Let me be clear. I do not blame myself for what happened. But I do blame myself for letting someone I love feel alone. For letting her slip away just a little too much between December and February.

So now what? I can’t decide whether to go visit again. I miss what used to be, but feel that is gone forever. And can I be the friend she needs now? Can I ignore the biggest motherfucking white elephant that ever found itself in a room and talk with her about work, exercise, superficialities? And NOT talk about my own boy, because that? Is impossible. My throat closes shut. My boy that wore clothes first worn by her older boy, and then later by her younger boy, the one that will never wear any clothes again.

I’ve found new songs since she’s been gone. Some really, really good ones. Songs that will probably be forever tied to her in my mind because they are tied to the emotions I’ve had these last three months. Songs about heaven, and insanity, and forgiveness, light and love.

I hope my husband can continue to be patient with me. Understand that I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. And I am taking steps to make improvements, real, actual steps. But these things don’t get better over night. It may be a rough road, but really, it’s nothing we can’t get through.


All This Trouble... said...

I purposefully ended a friendship with someone about two months ago now. I ask myself was it worth it? Do you feel better? Yes, it was worth it and I do feel better but I also am sad. I also reflect on the goodtimes. But I find myself unable to abide some actions, some words, some things. My friend has commited no true crime and was probably acting in a manner that seemed right for them at the time but it was not right for me. It was oh so wrong. Even now, when I have more time to myself, more time for my family, more time for the friends who are able to give as much as they take away, I feel guilty. I feel as if by setting boundaries, I am slighting the friend I've now lost. That I didn't give enough of myself. That I've failed. That I should've been able to save them from their demons. But...I know deep down, I did the right thing and I will continue to do what I think is right.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And it is a loss. You're not be selfish. You are grieving just as sure as if they both died. I imgaine you're haivng some of the same feelings family and friends of suicide victims feel. Don't they think they could've done something? The truth is, you don't know and you're not at fault.

I have about four friends in the whole wide world. I do the best I can with those four but sometimes, it does get too lonely. And that's why I blog. To talk to like-minded people, to read their blogs, to be in it with them....

Steph said...

Amen :)

Lady Lemon said...

Steph, I hate this for you. I have lost several dear friends over the years (not to death, but to varying circumstances) and it hurts like hell. Even years after having to let some of them go, I still think about them nearly everyday. Wondering what they are doing, and how they are doing. What (if anything) they are thinking about me.

I'm not the best at making friends either, and girlfriends I find are particularily difficult, to make and to hold onto.

I am sorry you are going through this. The grief you are feeling is natural. Stay strong.

Steph said...

Thank you. Sitting here thinking and listening to music, it just hit me why I can't go back and see her. So there is some peace in knowing that I won't.

Ms. Moon said...

Yes. I was going to say that there are things you can do because you loved her and do love her but there are things which you do not need to do.
You know what I'm saying.
Try to find some peace in that.

Steph said...

I do, Ms. Moon. Thank you.