Thursday, March 5, 2009

Is this thing on?

For shit’s sake people, I write two little posts about my friend killing her baby and it’s like all my bloggy friends fell of the face of the earth. You’re lucky my real life friends still care enough to talk to me about it in person, or I might have offed myself in an effort to attain my desired bird incarnation.

[You know, the suicide and murder related sarcasm I’m so fond of has lost something lately.]

Yes, it is absolutely fucking horrible. There are images in my brain that I don’t wish on anyone. I have cried everyday for the last 10 days. I couldn’t face seeing her three year-old who doesn’t understand where his brother and mother are. But I still love her. If there is a higher power in this universe, I ask only that she be granted mercy and peace.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve never met a therapist that I thought had an emotional IQ above 20, I would probably try counseling. But seriously, the last one I went to when I had a bit of a breakdown two years ago pointed me in the exact opposite direction of mental health. So instead I talk to our mutual friends. Muster up the courage to call her husband for updates on the kids. Write her a letter [like, on paper]. Then go find a place to scream my head off.

3 comments:

Maggie May said...

I'm so sorry you felt abandoned, I just hadn't been here and had no idea what had happened.

I can hardly find the words to say how sad that is, and how sorry I am that you are involved. The shock must be incredible. This is an event that will change your life. That poor little baby. And your friend, oh my god what could have happened? Post P.Psychosis? Often occurs with a mother who has already had children, like your friend, and it is what springs to my mind.

I hope you would consider getting a therapist. I agree, most therapists are shitty. It's a job that takes a tremendous gift, that not a lot of people have. But finding a good one makes it worth it. I looked and looked before I found my 'angel' as I think of her, and she literally saved me.

I am just so very sorry. If you would like to post about what is going on inside of you, I will come and read and respond as you walk through this terrible time.

Even though I'm not religious, I pray when I am feeling the need. I hope that is something you can do too.

I will say a prayer for you and your friend's family and that baby boy.

I wish I could hug you.

Elizabeth said...

I, too, haven't visited in some time and am so sorry to hear of this shocking event. I can't imagine how difficult it is for EVERYONE. I hope you find some peace -- and help in parsing out your feelings.

Cat said...

Oh my god, I've been self-involved and didn't get to these posts until today. What the HELL happened? There really just aren't words. Of course you still love her! I wish I could hug you.