Thursday, March 19, 2009

From the lips of babes

I thought I was doing better. I thought I was closer to accepting that I would not be able to understand what happened. Not understanding was killing me at first. I needed to know more. Every question I got an answer to led to another question. Until I realized I was being selfish in my need for more, more, more information. Then I began to accept not understanding.

A new theory has surfaced. I’m not the only one who wants to know “why,” but we’re all just reaching. This new theory pulls at me because she never mentioned anything to ME about this particular subject. And she talked to me about A LOT OF THINGS. Why not this? Is there any truth to it? Does it matter? The bottom line is, whatever the “reason,” the underlying issue is her mental health.

The feelings I’ve had have been cyclical… shock, completely freaked-the-fuck-out, sad, thankful for my own babies, angry. Each peaks and subsides to be followed by the next. The anger usually passes the most quickly. The freaked-out feeling [is there a better word for that?] bothers me the most. When that comes I feel off-balance, overwhelmed, and a little scared. When that comes I feel like I can’t do my job, like I can’t go out in public without the possibility of a teary breakdown right in middle of Target. Is that anxiety? I don’t think that’s quite it. It might be part of it.

But like the other feelings, it passes, and the sadness that follows renders me silent and motionless. That stillness removes me from my family. Even if we’re all in the same room, I’m not really there.

It’s usually my son that shakes me loose. He is the Kissy Monster. Kisses on the top of my head, my neck, my arm. Long kisses on the lips when he holds my cheeks so I don’t break away before he’s ready. Someday not too far off he will learn that’s not the way big boys kiss their mommies. But right now I get to enjoy his pure display of love. And I need it now more than ever.


Cat said...

not understanding, its the purest form of torture in my opinion. i like to deny the existence of basically abything i dont understand - algebra, scitzophrenia, the infinity of space - because when i acknowledge those things, i start to panic. its too big to wrap my brain around. i think ive felt that feeling you tried to describe. wishing you didnt have to. hang in there.

Ms. Moon said...

Anxiety is a proper response to this situation, I would think. And some things can never be understood.
What a tragedy.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I read the back story and the article and it shocks me that things like this happen, especially when you and I know too well how consuming a parent's love for their child is. I'm not sure what it is that is pulling at you so much whether it's the questions or the connection you had to both of them. Cat is right about not understanding, but I think this has a deeper base for you since it makes you go down those dark avenues you never thought you would have to. I wish you peace and a lot more kisses from your Kissy Monster. He is the light you need to be reaching for and you are.
My condolences.

Maggie May said...

I think I would feel exactly like this. The grief when something completely horrific touches your life is a scary thing, I know. Try not to be afraid of it. You aren't alone in feeling that way. Love your boy, love yourself.