Friday, February 27, 2009

What the Hell is Heaven

I’ve spent most of the day trying to turn back time. Thinking back to when we would walk and talk together. Talking about anything and everything. Listening to songs we shared. Remembering her loud laughter.

I always thought she and I were on the same road, spiritually and emotionally speaking. If not on the same road, then at least on the same map. That scares me a little now.

Mostly I just think about what she’s lost. Last night my extended family went out for a nice dinner to celebrate my mother’s 60th birthday. At one point I had to take Austin outside to change his diaper in the car. Walking him back into the restaurant I found myself thinking that Lori will never have this kind of moment again. Out at a restaurant on a nice night, with loved ones. With her little boy that she adored so completely.

The news showed some footage of her in the courtroom yesterday afternoon. At one point she looked straight into the camera. I wished she could feel me looking back at her. Hoping everything’s not lost.

1 comment:

Kristen said...

You know - I hope you continue to blog about your feelings because sometimes words can be a heaven...I wasn't nearly as close to Lori as you and I'm having a hard time with accepting that she is broken, so I know it has to be magnified by 1000 for those that were closest to her. Hang in there and I hope you know that your words are helping others deal with the grief and pain. You will hopefully get the opportunity to hug Lori and tell her you still love her someday soon.