Monday, November 24, 2008

Die Another Day

Today’s fortune cookie reads:

BE AS WILLING TO TAKE ADVICE AS TO GIVE IT.

I advised the fortune cookie to stick it.

.::.

At 5 AM this morning I had decided to delete this blog. I’ve started and then deleted no less than three (maybe four) of these things in the last year and a half or so. I love blogs. I’m just not always sure whether I’m a blogger. Mostly I’m not crazy about the person reflected back at me here. For instance, I claim not to spend money on anything other than necessities, but admit to ordering earrings on Etsy. I don’t want to face the truth of my own weaknesses, so I’d rather delete them.

The wannabe vegetarian-yogi-hippie in me says “whoa, that ain’t right.” So here I am. If I wasn’t sure what purpose this serves for me, I just landed on it. Personal Growth. bleck.

I mean, I haven’t really been using this as a space to update distant relatives about my children. I don’t even write about them a heck of a lot. I’m certainly no aspiring writer looking for a book deal. I can’t even finish a cross-word puzzle. Write a book? please.

So Unsweet Mama lives to see another day. For now.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Proof of the Crazy

I read a blog post yesterday that used the word layer when they meant lair. I can’t find it today. This is bothering me.

I go through long spells when I get the Brian Adams song “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman,” stuck in my head EVERY FREAKING DAY.

I have enough matching dishes and silver wear to seat 24 people.

When I was a child I was convinced that I was retarded, but that my family had opted not to tell me so they could see whether my not knowing would affect the degree to which I would be retarded.

Once, when my mother-in-law asked why the dogs were barking, I told her “because it’s Friday.”

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Etsy Strikes Again

Freaking Etsy. Really, I should know by now to JUST STAY AWAY. I have no head for money and really like to spend what I don't have. If my bank account wasn't already all kinds of negative I would have ordered the calavera [skull thingy] above the second I saw it. It's my color*. And I have a weird thing for skulls. I don't know how I'll ever be any kind of Buddhist with my fascination with all things Dias de los Muertos. I'm pretty sure those aren't parts to the same puzzle. Oh well, I blame it on growing up in California and the constant Mexican and Asian influences coming at me from all sides.

Me want.

* I would have named my son Cyan if my husband would have let me. Course I also suggested Url (pronounced like Earl). Oh, and Inca, to go with Maya. I really am a geek. Maya suggested naming him Truck, so she wins in the weird name suggestions department. Maybe.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Party Pooper

I’m still at the party; I’m just hiding in the corner. While everyone else is trying to have fun paying off debt, I’m walking away from mine. I think. We haven’t actually filed for bankruptcy yet, but we’ve met with a lawyer and he doesn’t foresee any barriers. The only barrier I see is the 4-figure lawyer’s fee. As in, if I had that kind of money, I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.

.::.

Even when I omit the credit card payments, the budget doesn’t add up. Being so strapped wears me down. It makes me be not as nice as I want to be, bitchier than I need to be. It makes my body feel heavier, slower to move.

There’s too much month at the end of the money, and I blame myself. The only things I buy outside of necessities [food, gas, clothes for the kids] are DVDs and CDs and I admit to feeling entitled to that. I work full time at a good job and deserve some entertainment. We never go out. This trip to the zoo is a rarity, and I got the tickets at a discount through my union.

.::.

I got some “I’m so sorry,” type comments last time I wrote about this which was sweet and kind of surprizing. I know there are lighter days ahead. We always manage to get through these things.

I feel no shame in filing for bankruptcy; I only wish it were more affordable.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Let the Sun Shine In

I’m not sure how it happened, but I became aware of something I’ve been denying to myself for some time now. I suddenly admitted to myself that I tend to shut my daughter out, emotionally speaking.

The relationship my daughter and I have is little to nothing like the relationship my mother and I have/had. My mother was a single, working mother most of my life and I was an only child (dad’s other kids don’t count). My mom is my confidant, my older sister, my partner in crime, my disciplinarian and my guiding light. She was a teacher at the elementary school I went to, so I hardly ever had a babysitter; we went home together in the afternoon and had vacations together in the summer. We spoke the same language and enjoyed the same things.

My daughter and I on the other hand share one another with a husband/father and son/brother. I don’t know how to navigate this more traditional mother-daughter relationship. It’s more than that though, I know it is. She has had developmental issues that affect her communication skills, so we have to be more creative in our attempts to relate to one another. Also, she and I are not as similar in temperament as my mother and I. I can see already that my son is more like me, as young as he is. He and I speak the same language.

I can’t be lackadaisical about this though. I can not, will not, let my daughter grow up without ever letting her in. Don’t get me wrong, I love her more than life itself, I just don’t let people in all that easily. How is it possible she didn’t get a free pass at birth? Am I that damaged? Was I just too young when she was born? I’d blame it on my father, but I figure blaming him for my inability to trust and love easily and the effect that has had in the past on my marriage is enough. I can’t blame everything on an absent father. Can I?

I’m hopeful that this awareness will be the most important step. That now I will have clearer vision and I will see and seize opportunities to let my daughter know me as a person.

Everyone who knows her speaks about how special she is. The light and warmth that radiate from her are nothing short of miraculous. She is merely burdened with a mother who is less gifted. I need to learn from her the way I have already begun to learn from her father.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Happy Days


I am so freaking happy today. Not only did the old U. S. of A. successfully Barack the Vote, but [perhaps somewhat less importantly] the [entire] family will be celebrating the girl-child's birthday at the San Diego Zoo in less than 10 days! I will be within mere dozens-of-feet of my beloved pandas!!! I am beside myself with joy.

Great Ape Awareness Days, whatever those are, coincide with our visit. Perhaps we need to be aware that the apes will rip our ever-luvin faces off if we get too close? That’s cool. I love the monkeys. The boy-child is a monkey.


Speaking of offspring, I have been consumed with the baby fever lately. I blame it almost entirely on this gorgeous child. Okay, her and my freaking baby-making hormones. Of course my husband thinks I’m bat-shit crazy because we are broke nearly bankrupt and our house is significantly somewhat overpopulated. Phooey! I say there’s no time like the present. So I ask teh Internets… shall I have another?

Anyone? Anyone?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Hope Realized


I had been afraid to hope. Afraid that this country wasn't ready. I'm so glad I was wrong.